Blog blahs

It is taking some time to figure out this blog thing.  I actually think it is more complicated than it needs to be.  I have a dashboard where I post, and a main page, I guess, where the posts are viewed, possibly by others.  I sort of want to change my blog name, so it’s not simply my name.  But I’m afraid I’ll lose all the content I’ve already put here.  And on my main page, the dates I posted are out of sync.  Why?  I wonder.

This is one reason I’m looking forward to summer break from work.  I would like to give this blog a little more of my attention, and understand it better. I’ve been posting in the month of March, and I’m wondering when I start posting in April, if my main page will reflect that, organize all the  March posts under one heading, and April under it’s own heading, ect.  I see how a few other blogs are set up, and am not sure how mine can be made similar.

Learning the nuts and bolts of blogging takes time.  I don’t always feel comfortable spending endless hours getting lost in cyberspace.  Sometimes it’s quite a luxury, but not one I afford myself all the time.  I mean, a girl’s gotta live in some kind of reality to stay sane.

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Daily happenings

Tonight I’m watching “Dancing With The Stars”.  It’s so entertaining. Love it all.  The dancing, costumes, music.  The celebrities and the dance professionals.  The host and the singers and the judges.  Hair and make-up.

Earlier today Tom and I went shopping for the TempurPedic  mattress.  It’s so funny, because we just love the idea of a good, comfortable, painless night’s sleep over say…a new sport’s car.  Ha, ha, we are getting older!  Oh, gosh, that’s a good thing.  Well, we looked at and laid on a few mattresses and are going to go to at least one other mattress store to see a few different styles before we make a choice and a purchase.

Mary called Saturday night to say Eric is okay, but had a heart attack.  Thankfully, he made it to the hospital on time (in Athens) and they sent him via helicopter to Riverside in Columbus.  I talked to him tonight on the phone, and all sounds good. He had a stent put in and has two more to go in tomorrow.  Gosh, I love that guy so much.  He has always been stability to me.  Last year, he was so very important helping all of us get through the difficult time of Nick’s open heart surgery.  I am SO thankful he is okay.

How I Spend My Spare Time

Tom and I took an enjoyable two day trip to New York City last week, March 16th & 17th.  It was our first time there.  I found it very exciting as well as interesting.

Should I spend time blogging about our adventures in the Big Apple?  Or should my blogs have more depth? At this point in my life, I still have lots of things I like to do that fritter my time away.  This week I have a bit more spare time as Tom is working afternoon turn.  So,  I play Words With Friends.  (I’m pretty good at it).  My new addiction is “Drawsome” which I use Tom’s iPad to play.  This afternoon, I got several books from the library (I especially love biographies & autobiographies) and also a DVD on yoga and also a movie.  Then there is TV viewing.  Since we just visited NYC, I’m enjoying reruns of “30 Rock” because I now have an understanding of the sights and sounds of that area of New York.

Oh, and let’s not forget my new hobby:  blogging.  I want to find time for that.

All these fun activities make it hard sometimes to know how much time I should devote to any one thing.  I mean, I certainly want to do less housekeeping and cooking.  I also allow the paperwork, bills, ect., to pile up for a longer period of time before I tackle it.  What can this be attributed to?  Is it a stage iv diagnosis, menopause, empty-nest syndrome?  Wheee!  How lucky was I to get hit with all of this at the same time?

Oh, if I admit it, somewhere among my emotions is me feeling sorry for myself.  Or is it just me being lenient with me?  Allowing me some freedoms while accepting the fringes of responsibilities by making sure the checkbook is balanced monthly and the taxes are filed on time.

I still want to partake in the pleasures of life.  Hey, I worked and was responsible for many years to allow myself the time to kick back and enjoy the simple pleasures like a good book or movie…to have the time to watch TV and not be consumed by an anal-retentive compulsion to keep my house spotless.  So be it.

Ramblings

Only my family members know I am dealing with stage iv bc.  I sometimes wonder if any of my co-workers actually know. Since this is a small town I live in, somehow the news may have leaked and spread.  Sort of like a metastases.  Leaked and spread. But if there is a rumor about it going around, I’m glad no one approaches me and asks me about it.  I don’t care to share my deep and intense personal experience of going through this to people who really wouldn’t have any idea what it’s like to be in my shoes.  Most people mean well, but I wouldn’t want them to treat me differently because they knew what I was going through.  Some people would just be too overly nice.  Kind of fake.  Yuck.  And some would be too emotional about it all the time, and I really don’t want to deal with that.  I don’t want people whispering about me behind my back about my health. And I don’t want to go around talking constantly, incessantly about it.  I might want to write about it, but my interactions with people I know and live around, work and mingle with have to be about something other than me.

On the other hand, I was able to discuss a few things with Tom the other day about ‘what to do when’.  I told him even if he’s uncomfortable with the conversation, he’ll be glad we had it, rather than regret that we never did.  I do love him so.  I love and appreciate his maturity.  I am blessed to have him to attack the hard stuff with me.  Like that we decided we will be cremated.  And that I don’t care if he gets remarried, but I don’t want some bimbo taking all his money.  I want Mark to be taken care of.

So it is good to have someone who will go to those places in conversation that can be difficult, but handle it very lovingly and even matter-of-factly.  Yes, when a person is in my shoes, you can feel somewhat guilty for putting your loved ones through grief.  I know it’s not my fault.  Yet Tom and Mark, and my other family members will have to feel the sadness of my absence without me being here to help them get through it.  On the other hand, some people go too quickly, and there are too many unspoken words and feelings of regret.  I guess I am able to deal with some issues in a way that others may not have the chance.

I still want to be around a long time.

This Is My Better Place

Say your loved one dies.  Along comes someone trying to comfort you, and commenting on the person who died, they say, “oh, he/she is in a better place.”  I don’t necessarily care for that expression.

There is no better place for me than HERE, NOW with my husband Tom and son Mark, sharing this life, the highs and lows, the successes and failures, the struggles, pain, heartache, joy, excitement, adventure.  This is my good place. I love and have been loved by wonderful people: my parents, my sisters and brothers, my stepson, daughter in law, granddaughter and grandson.  This is the good life.  It is good.

At the moment, I don’t fear death.  I just want to be HERE, NOW with my loved ones, Tom, Mark, my family and friends, as long as I can be.  There is something on the other side.  I’m sure it will capture my interest when I get there.  But how can it be better?  No, no.

If love could keep me alive, I would live forever, because I am very loved.  I know that for sure.  I feel it.  Others show it to me in many ways.  I feel secure in love.

Oh, I still believe God may decide to give me a complete healing.  Yeah, sure, why not?  Maybe I already got it.  Why not me?  I am not gonna say, oh, you know, give it to someone else.  I will say, Yes, I’ll take it, and by the way, can we all have complete healing?  Oh, yes, I am selfish enough to take that healing for myself.  And I would be ever so grateful.

Words I Don’t Like

I don’t know how the term “blog” ever started.  I guess it’s short for ‘web-log’.  To me, ‘blog’ sounds like a feeling when your intestines are bloated.  You know, someone asks you how you feel, and all you can say miserably is “blog”.  Weighed down.  Seems to me a blog should be called by a much nicer, more sparkly sounding word.

I also never cared for the term ‘bucket list’.  This is even before my bc dx (breast cancer diagnosis). Nowadays you hear people toss that phrase around so casually.  But, if they really were to be staring at a list of things they want to do before they die, and are thinking “it’s now or never” because their health has been compromised, they might not refer to a bucket list so nonchalantly.

Another creepy expression: “terminal illess”.  Just yuck. No one with one wants to hear it put that way. And the word ‘palliative’ is a bit scary, too.  Even tho it’s supposed to be a nice word.  For some reason, it sounds like it should describe some kind of ancient architectural form: palliative sculptures from the classical Greek period.

Visits to Pittsburgh

Once a month I go to the oncologist’s office at Allegheny General Hospital in Pittsburgh and get an iv of zometa, which is a bone strengthener.  These trips are actually pleasant.  Calming, even.  I get an early appointment and take the hour trip up in the morning by myself.  Sometimes I have an appointment to see the oncologist before getting the iv.  Everyone at the office is pretty nice, altho somewhat superficial.  Not necessarily the oncologist.  But everyone else.

If I see the onc, the whole thing might last an hour and a half.  If it’s just a treatment, it’s less time than that.  

Today, a Reiki volunteer stopped by.  I don’t know how long Reiki volunteers have been making rounds in the office, but this is the first time in over a year that I’ve been going there that one has approached me. And I have been interested in having Reiki done on me, or for me, or whatever you want to call it.  So I was happy to have it done.  It took only 10 minutes.  The guy placed one of his hands on my head and one on my shoulder.  We made small talk during the process, and then it was over. It relaxed me.  And felt spiritual.

Oh, the best part of going to Pittsburgh for treatment is that I always get to stop and visit with Mark at Duquesne University afterwards.  Sometimes he just jumps in the car and comes home for the weekend. Since he was home all last week for spring break, today we just went out to lunch at Duq’s Red Ring Restaurant.  

I love how I feel when Mark and I are there in Pittsburgh.  It makes me feel alive.   It feels like I am where the action is.  I love to see the mixture of people there.

I love the conversations Mark and I have.  We can talk on endlessly, covering all kinds of subjects.

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