I do have random thoughts pass through my mind at all times of the day. I have heard and read that “real” writers use bits and pieces of miscellaneous paper to jot down words or ideas so as to remember later what they want to express or expound upon. I have done this only occasionally, although it does help. I am not sure if it’s laziness or fear that I don’t use this method to remember what I want to write about. The laziness you may understand, but the fear……the fear is about finding out that maybe what I have to write about isn’t really all that important, or original, or worth delving in to. Or maybe if I write that idea and then the next one, I will eventually run out of ideas. Sigh. It is a non-belief in myself, and one I’m sure I should, even now, try to conquer.
All this as an intro to what popped into my head this morning as I finished my shower and began to fix my hair and put on a little bit of make-up. For some reason, I told myself no one is the cause of the cancer that I deal with. This is not a new thought. It’s just one that I am glad I remembered to write here in my blog. I certainly don’t want anyone to think that maybe because of bad karma they threw my way, or some kind of stress they created in my life was what started the cancer.
I hope you, Tom, and you, Mark, remember that shortly after I received a cancer diagnosis, I told both of you that neither of you were to blame. And even if you don’t remember that conversation, that’s okay. We did have it. And I’m writing again to remind you, because I don’t want you feeling any guilt.
Nor anyone else who’s known me or dealt with me, no need for guilt. Should some of you have treated me better? Ha, ha, probably! But life is full of ups and downs, and I do my best to deal with them just like everyone else. Having to deal with cancer has taught me that much of the time, it is a crap shoot. There is not always rhyme or reason why someone gets it. Some people live exemplary lives, eat well, exercise, live stress free and yet still get cancer. I don’t feel I abused my body or lived wrongly, it is just something that occurred.