I don’t spend as much time as I used to in prayer.  Not that I was this huge prayer warrior of dedication.  I did have periods of time over many years when I offered up lots and lots of prayers for everyone and everything.  Sometimes I would write the prayers in a notebook.  There are so many instances where I would feel pretty inadequate trying to help anyone going through a tough time, and so I would try to compensate with prayer.  I believe there’ve been studies that conclude prayer does help and has a positive impact on people even when they do not know they are being prayed for.

So why do I not pray as often?  It’s not that I don’t believe in prayer, because I do.  In light of my circumstances, these days I tend to look at most all things in a different light.  Years ago, in my 20s, I began reading books with positive messages.  It was like a steady diet for my brain, and a way to reprogram my way of thinking.  In my childhood, I had to deal with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother.  Don’t get me wrong, my parents had some amazing qualities and I loved them very much and still do to this day (Mom died in 1997 and Dad in 1998).  Still, there were plenty of dramatics growing up which had a negative effect on me, and at some point I had to approach life in a different way.  I suppose those uplifting, self-help kind of books, as well as the Bible, did positively affect my life.  I definitely have had a full life filled with many wonderful moments and I learned to appreciate all that I have.  And I know that my reading about bettering myself and applying certain principles to my life did help me steer it in the right direction.

It’s sort of like now, though, I have a kind of “it’s out of my control” attitude.  I concentrate more on being here, now, and not so much on sending up prayers to God for answers or solutions or ‘fixes’.  And of course, I am looking at God in a different light as well.  Trying to get away from the ‘religious’ God and seeing Him as more universal, perhaps.  More all-encompassing?

Oh, the people writing a lot of those self-help books:  what can they offer me at this point?  How many have walked in my shoes?  Some of that positive stuff is now met with intolerance on my part.  I guess it applied at one time, but now not so much.  So I don’t want to waste time reading it. I find myself more uplifted listening to really good music……LOVE my ipod…..and my mood can change when I hear a great song on the radio.


No one is to blame

I do have random thoughts pass through my mind at all times of the day.  I have heard and read that “real” writers use bits and pieces of miscellaneous paper to jot down words or ideas so as to remember later what they want to express or expound upon.  I have done this only occasionally, although it does help.  I am not sure if it’s laziness or fear that I don’t use this method to remember what I want to write about.  The laziness you may understand, but the fear……the fear is about finding out that maybe what I have to write about isn’t really all that important, or original, or worth delving in to.  Or maybe if I write that idea and then the next one, I will eventually run out of ideas.  Sigh.  It is a non-belief in myself, and one I’m sure I should, even now, try to conquer.

All this as an intro to what popped into my head this morning as I finished my shower and began to fix my hair and put on a little bit of make-up.  For some reason, I told myself no one is the cause of the cancer that I deal with.  This is not a new thought.  It’s just one that I am glad I remembered to write here in my blog.  I certainly don’t want anyone to think that maybe because of bad karma they threw my way, or some kind of stress they created in my life was what started the cancer.

I hope you, Tom, and you, Mark, remember that shortly after I received a cancer diagnosis, I told both of you that neither of you were to blame.  And even if you don’t remember that conversation, that’s okay.  We did have it.  And I’m writing again to remind you, because I don’t want you feeling any guilt.

Nor anyone else who’s known me or dealt with me, no need for guilt.  Should some of you have treated me better?  Ha, ha, probably!  But life is full of ups and downs, and I do my best to deal with them just like everyone else.  Having to deal with cancer has taught me that much of the time, it is a crap shoot.  There is not always rhyme or reason why someone gets it.  Some people live exemplary lives, eat well, exercise, live stress free and yet still get cancer.  I don’t feel I abused my body or lived wrongly, it is just something that occurred.

How We Spent Easter Sunday

We had a lovely Easter.  We went to Bill & Caryn’s for the day, Mark went with us. It was so very relaxing to spend time with our grandchildren.  They were just so well behaved, and we hung on every little thing they did.  Josie kept us very entertained.  She loved going out in the back yard while Tom and I (Pap and Granny) watched her run around.  Sheesh!  That girl do have some endless energy!  She was quite comical, and named a few little areas in the yard “Little Hill” and “Big Hill”.  The yard  must seem like such a large world to her, it is very sweet to watch.

Liam never fussed the whole day.  He was quite happy to be part of everything that was going on.  He took a nap here and there, ate at his high chair while we had dinner, and loved hanging out with Josie in the back yard.  It’s so easy to make him smile, and at one point, I was getting him to giggle by having him reach up, over and over again, for a stuffed animal.  Oh, he thought that was great fun.

Wonderful memories that have stayed with me as I went back to work this week after a four day break.  The breaks always go so fast.  Plus Mark was home during that time, and now has less than three weeks before he’s home from the university for the summer.