Ramblings

Only my family members know I am dealing with stage iv bc.  I sometimes wonder if any of my co-workers actually know. Since this is a small town I live in, somehow the news may have leaked and spread.  Sort of like a metastases.  Leaked and spread. But if there is a rumor about it going around, I’m glad no one approaches me and asks me about it.  I don’t care to share my deep and intense personal experience of going through this to people who really wouldn’t have any idea what it’s like to be in my shoes.  Most people mean well, but I wouldn’t want them to treat me differently because they knew what I was going through.  Some people would just be too overly nice.  Kind of fake.  Yuck.  And some would be too emotional about it all the time, and I really don’t want to deal with that.  I don’t want people whispering about me behind my back about my health. And I don’t want to go around talking constantly, incessantly about it.  I might want to write about it, but my interactions with people I know and live around, work and mingle with have to be about something other than me.

On the other hand, I was able to discuss a few things with Tom the other day about ‘what to do when’.  I told him even if he’s uncomfortable with the conversation, he’ll be glad we had it, rather than regret that we never did.  I do love him so.  I love and appreciate his maturity.  I am blessed to have him to attack the hard stuff with me.  Like that we decided we will be cremated.  And that I don’t care if he gets remarried, but I don’t want some bimbo taking all his money.  I want Mark to be taken care of.

So it is good to have someone who will go to those places in conversation that can be difficult, but handle it very lovingly and even matter-of-factly.  Yes, when a person is in my shoes, you can feel somewhat guilty for putting your loved ones through grief.  I know it’s not my fault.  Yet Tom and Mark, and my other family members will have to feel the sadness of my absence without me being here to help them get through it.  On the other hand, some people go too quickly, and there are too many unspoken words and feelings of regret.  I guess I am able to deal with some issues in a way that others may not have the chance.

I still want to be around a long time.

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